So this is life... There's nothing else like it I guess, since everything else is just a part of it. Maybe there is something else like it, but we could never comprehend it. Even life itself is beyond our grasp. How many people have searched for the "meaning of life?" Life is its own meaning - it happens, and that's it. I guess we just spend so much time looking for something beyond what we see that we miss the meaning that is right in front of us. I see it all the time though, and it's always too far away, too long ago, or just not there...
I remember a time, now so long ago. So different from everything else I've ever experienced, it stands out against the rest of my life, and yet doesn't seem to fit, it doesn't seem possible that it ever could have happened. I loved her. I know that now, but I wasn't sure then. I don't know why I did, but I know that it didn't matter - reasons seldom do. So new to me, the situation itself seemed to overwhelm me, as if it wasn't even me, just a result of the situation, one big reflex I never knew existed. I relaxed too much, thinking I was safe and secure in my new life. I was wrong. It all came crashing down, and everything I knew was gone.
When I finally came to my senses, I once again saw hope for a new life. She came from a brief instant of my past, although she didn't know it at the time. Just being around her was enough to get me to forget about all the bad things in life. Soon she was gone, temporarily, but hope remained. Her eyes were there too, seeming to look at me when I thought of her, even though she was nowhere to be found. Soon enough though she was there again, not just in my thoughts anymore. Just when it seemed like my life was going somewhere, it stopped, all of a sudden and without explanation. Everything was still there, but frozen, motionless.
No memories of the following two months remain, but I'm sure they happened. You can't just skip time like that, life doesn't work that way. When I wasn't looking, someone else appeared. She seemed nice, fun to talk to, and in the end of the beginning almost perfect. Always smiling, that's how I remember her. Always willing to talk or listen, or at least tolerate me standing there thinking of something to say. But that was it I guess, there just didn't seem to be anything else. I never had any idea what she was thinking or how she felt, everything she did seemed to contradict everything else. Nothing made sense. I did everything I could possibly do to try and find out anything, but nothing worked. She was just there smiling, and what was behind that smile was something that I could never figure out.
Time drifted along. Nothing happened, but it took quite a bit of time. Another beginning came, and this time I had no idea what to expect. I was hoping for hope, but I just didn't know what was out there. There was almost something then, something that made me feel that maybe there could be something somewhere. But she quickly erased all those possibilities, sending me back to where I was before, before I knew I had even left. So fast, so quickly gone. Just a footnote on an otherwise uneventful page of my life.
I struggled onward after that, moving along so I wouldn't get left behind by some driving force that I wasn't aware of, not really wanting to go anywhere, but not wanting to take my chances with the alternatives. Then she once again came out of my past, settling in my present long enough for me to wonder about the future. Then she drifted away slightly, or maybe it was me, it's difficult to tell. She was still there, all that was there it seemed. My one connection to the rest of the world, more important than she could ever possibly imagine. She drifted closer, then farther away. Once more closer, and then far away. So far that I don't know where she is now, any more than I know where I am.
That's it, that's my life up until now. The past already seems to have erased my future, and I can't put it back because I don't know what it is or was. There's no time anymore, only enough time to stay here, living life to stay alive. This is life, and all I understand is that there's nothing to understand, it just is. Or maybe it just isn't.
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