|A U.S. soldier takes his turn at the machine gun station in Assault|
In a surprise statement that has conspiracy theorists stunned, top U.S. officials have confirmed that the war with Iraq is in fact being filmed in a television studio in the United States, precisely as Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf has claimed.
The studio being used was previously the filming location of the similarly-themed television show American Gladiators. "In these difficult economic times, we knew we had to make every dollar count," explained a star-spangled spandex-clad U.S. Army general identified only as Smash. "After surveying several possible locations for this war, ranging from New Zealand to Utah, we decided that an indoor studio would be the best option. The American Gladiators studio was already equipped with most of what we needed, so it only took some paint and a few truckloads of sand to get ready for filming." Smash then tackled an Iraqi soldier attempting to drop a chemical weapon into a bucket.
In a tour of the studio, PR representatives explained how the war was being run. "Each match features one team of U.S. soldiers and one team of Iraqi soldiers," began PR rep Spin. "The teams are competing against each other while also competing against the American Generals. "In each event, the two teams must face one or more of the incredible American Generals, musclebound and highly intelligent military leaders who fear nothing and refuse to accept defeat. The events will test the limits of each team's strength, agility, and ingenuity, with only one emerging victorious."
At the time of the tour, several of the events had already been completed, explained Spin. "We've been running all of the teams through at the same time in order to build the excitement toward the finale, a pulse-pounding run through The Eliminator. So far, we've been through The Joust, The Wall, Hang Tough, and PowerBall. The current event is Assault, in which the teams face off against a General with a grenade launcher while moving between stations featuring a machine gun, a rocket launcher, hand grenades, and a crossbow."
It wasn't known at press time when The Eliminator would come into play, but Spin hinted that it would be "just when you think the action couldn't get more intense." At the conclusion of the tour, fireworks filled the arena and the American Generals posed for photos. Present were Mace, Dagger, Smash, MAD, Seal, Convoy, Foxhole, AAA, and Divebomb. "Don't let those intimidating exteriors scare you folks," Spin commented. "While the Generals are highly-trained killing machines, they are also honest and caring men who are devoted to their families and their communities." MAD then smashed a replica missile over his head and screamed toward the ceiling. "These are just ordinary guys who were called upon to lend their extraordinary talents to a worthy cause," concluded Spin as the image of a waving American flag covered the Generals' backdrop. "If you see them on the street, don't hesitate to thank them for their contribution toward a lasting peace in this world. That and these astounding ratings."