This letter appeared in the Philler column entitled "Charlie Sheen and Bean Paste - Anybody know what happened to the cat?" (Text in italics is mine.)

Once again, we turn to our friend, Mathew M. Lug, who writes:

Here's an interesting observation for you: My first article appeared in Newspeak two issues after Philler was officially retired the first time. My last article appeared 8 pages before the most recent return of Philler. The only Philler article between these two events was in the spring of 1997, when I was no longer listed in the staff box due to extreme inactivity (a condition that Philler suffered from prior to that article). Is there a connection here? Am I somehow connected to Philler in such a way that our two entities cannot coexist, unless separated by a special Campus Center Edition? Did my letter in the April 23, 1996 Philler create this link? Or is this all one big "coincidence" that I should just ignore ... think nothing of it, go on with your life, repeat to yourself "Philler is not controlling me." "Philler does not tell me what to write." "Philler and I share no unnatural bond." "Remember to buy bread tomorrow..."

Yes, Mathew. You are absolutely correct. No doubt about it. You definitely need bread (sorry we ate the last few slices). However, there is a darker side - and your theories are only the tip of the iceberg lettuce. You must stop any and all inquiries into this topic otherwise we will no longer be able to protect you, your family, your friends, pets, others (significant and insignificant), and your third grade science teacher - that is, if it's not already too late...

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