CUPERTINO, CA - Apple Computer, the influential computer maker and inventor of the personal computer, announced today that it is going out of business, shocking millions of loyal customers. When asked why a company with such large revenues, profits, and cash reserves would close up shop, an Apple spokesman cited Apple's failure to go out of business as the main reason behind the decision. "Every day someone makes a claim that Apple is going to go out of business, but those claims always turn out to be unfounded," explained the spokesman. "Over time, the expectation that Apple would soon be going out of business became dominant in the consumer electronics community, but Apple has time and time again demonstrated that it simply could not live up to industry expectations. For this reason, Apple has decided to close its doors." Apple CEO Steve Jobs could not be reached for comment.