Naked Day

by Matthew M. Lug

Cast of Characters

Jake - College student

Bill - Jake's Roommate

Prof. Williams - Calculus Professor (Female)

Prof. Andrews - History Professor (Male)

Albert - Student Counselor

Students (7)

Setting: College campus

SCENE 1 - Calculus Class

(JAKE and STUDENTS are seated in two rows of four facing the side of the stage, with JAKE in the front row. WILLIAMS is in front of them, wearing a business suit. A clock is on the wall at the back of the stage. The lights come on with WILLIAMS in the middle of a lecture.)

WILLIAMS: So now if we want to find the volume under a surface instead of the area under a curve, how would we go about doing that?

(WILLIAMS kicks off her shoes and looks around as if waiting for someone to answer.)

WILLIAMS: While before we had a curve as a function of one variable, x, we now have a surface that is a function of two variables, x and y.

(WILLIAMS removes her blouse. JAKE begins to feel a bit uncomfortable, but STUDENTS don't seem to notice anything.)

WILLIAMS: This means that instead of just integrating over x, we'll have to integrate over both x and y.

(WILLIAMS continues to remove her clothes while appearing to write on a blackboard until she is standing before the class in only her underwear. JAKE is quite confused at this point, looking around the class for some indication that what he is seeing is really happening, but instead he sees the same bored looks that the STUDENTS have had all along.)

WILLIAMS: The resulting integral is in the following form.

(WILLIAMS turns her back to the class, again writing on the blackboard, and in the process gives JAKE an interesting view. A STUDENT then raises a hand, and JAKE seems a bit relieved, as if finally someone else realizes that something is wrong.)


(STUDENT points toward the clock.)

WILLIAMS: Well, I see we are out of time. For tomorrow, read chapter 13 in the text.

(STUDENTS get up and leave, but JAKE remains seated, frantically searching for some sign that he wasn't hallucinating. WILLIAMS slowly approaches JAKE's seat and bends down slightly in front of him.)

WILLIAMS: Is something wrong?

(JAKE is clearly uncomfortable, and begins gathering up his books.)

JAKE: (Nervously) Um, no, nothing's wrong...

(JAKE jumps out of his seat and quickly exits.)




SCENE 2 - History Class

(JAKE and STUDENTS are seated as in the previous scene, and ANDREWS is in front of them wearing a suit. As before, the scene begins in mid-lecture.)

ANDREWS: December 7th, 1941. What is the significance of that date?

(ANDREWS loosens his tie.)

STUDENT: Pearl Harbor?

ANDREWS: Correct. A date which will live in infamy. (He removes his tie.) This one act of aggression forced the United States to declare war on Japan and begin an offensive that caused death and destruction throughout the Pacific.

(ANDREWS removes his jacket, and JAKE looks like he can't believe what he is seeing.)

ANDREWS: So what effect did this activity in the Pacific have on the war in Europe?

(STUDENTS remain silent and still as if they don't know the answer. JAKE is again frantically looking around as ANDREWS unties his shoes and takes them off. He begins unbuttoning his shirt as he continues the lecture.)

ANDREWS: The attack on Pearl Harbor should have had no effect on the war in Europe. The United States government made no move to declare war on Germany, but Hitler changed that when he declared war on the United States.

(ANDREWS removes his shirt and begins working on his pants. JAKE is clearly distressed, and looks as if he could faint at any moment. STUDENTS are showing no reaction.)

ANDREWS: Up until this point the United States had been officially neutral, although trade with the axis nations had stopped, and trade of military goods with Britain took place.

(ANDREWS removes his pants and now stands before the class in boxers and socks, with a watch on his wrist as well.)

ANDREWS: The Japanese attack and German declaration of war caused a dramatic increase of public support for the war effort in the United States. (He looks at his watch.) Our time for today is up. I want you to think about the tactics used by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor as well as the American response and see if you can find any tactical mistakes made on either side. I'll see you all tomorrow.

(JAKE immediately runs out of the room as the others slowly depart.)




SCENE 3 - Jake's Dorm Room

(BILL is standing near the entrance to the room as JAKE runs in, out of breath. JAKE sits down to catch his breath, with his back to BILL.)

BILL: Whoa dude, what's up with you? Did you join the track team or something?

(BILL begins untying his sneakers.)

JAKE: (Slightly confused) Wha? Oh, no, it's just been a weird day, that's all. I don't think I could take much more.

(BILL has one shoe off and starts on the other.)

BILL: I hear ya. You wouldn't believe what Jane did today. Here I was thinking I was finally getting things right, and she just goes ballistic on me.

(BILL has the other shoe off and starts taking his socks off.)

JAKE: (Seemingly uninterested) You don't say.

BILL: Just out of nowhere she started complaining because I didn't get her anything for our three week anniversary. (He starts taking off his shirt.) I mean, come on, three weeks? Who celebrates a three week anniversary? (He throws his shirt on the floor.) I was getting ready for the four week anniversary after getting it for forgetting the one and two week anniversaries, and now this happens.

(JAKE doesn't seem to be listening to anything BILL is saying. JAKE begins to turn around as BILL begins taking off his pants.)

JAKE: (Noticing what BILL has been doing and cringing.) What the hell are you doing?

BILL: (Not understanding JAKE's reaction) What? I'm just getting ready to head over to dinner. You wanna go over with me?

JAKE: (Visibly upset) Um, no, I think I'll just stay over here.

(BILL takes his pants off and turns to leave.)

BILL: Suit yourself. Later.

(BILL exits and leaves JAKE alone and quite upset.)




SCENE 4 - Albert's Office

(A desk and a couch are on opposite sides of the stage, facing each other. ALBERT is sitting at the desk looking at some papers as JAKE slowly enters in front of him.)

JAKE: (Nervously) Um, Mr. Johnson?

ALBERT: (Looking up from his papers) Yes? Come in, have a seat. (Points toward the couch.)

(JAKE walks over to the couch and sits down.)

JAKE: Mr. Johnson, I, uh, have some kind of problem.

ALBERT: Please, call me Albert. What's troubling you?

JAKE: (Still nervous) Well, Albert, um, I think I've been seeing strange things today.

(ALBERT gets up and begins walking around the room. JAKE still faces toward the desk.)

ALBERT: (Casually slipping off his shoes) What sort of strange things?

JAKE: (More relaxed) This is probably going to sound a bit strange, and I don't really believe it myself, but I swear it seemed real.

(Albert walks behind the couch, out of sight of JAKE, and loosens his tie.)

ALBERT: (Removing his tie) I understand, but don't worry about how it sounds, I'm here to help you with anything that is troubling you.

JAKE: Well, here it is then. Everywhere I go, people keep taking their clothes off.

ALBERT: (Unbuttoning his shirt) Interesting... Now you say this is happening everywhere? Where exactly? And who has been doing this? The details may help to explain this situation.

JAKE: (Slightly relaxed) It first happened in my classes today. My professors stripped right in front of the class in the middle of lectures.

ALBERT: (Taking his shirt off) Did anybody mention anything when this was taking place?

JAKE: No, that's what's been bothering me. They didn't seem to even notice. They just sat there in a dazed state like they do in every lecture. And then when I got back to my room my roommate did it too. It's like people strip wherever I go.

ALBERT: (Deep in thought) I see... Now, before we continue I have to ask you a few questions. (He unzips his pants.) First, have you been under the influence of alcohol, controlled substances, or any medication recently?

JAKE: (Defensively) Well, not since last Saturday night.

ALBERT: (Sliding his pants down) Ok, that shouldn't be a problem. Do you regularly take hallucinogenic drugs of any kind?

JAKE: (More defensive) It was just that one time, I swear.

(ALBERT steps out of his pants.)

ALBERT: Calm down, I just need to rule a few things out. (He starts folding his pants.) This next question is a bit personal, so I would understand if you are a bit reluctant to answer. Have you ever had a sexual fantasy involving one of your professors?

JAKE: (Taken aback) Of course not! I mean, well, sure there's... But, um, no! That's just, just...

ALBERT: (Reassuringly) Don't be ashamed, it is perfectly natural to have those kinds of feelings. What you experienced may have been a result of some uncontrollable subconscious desires. (He lays his pants over the back of the couch.) I think we should schedule a weekly meeting so we can explore these desires further.

(JAKE looks over at the pants and then quickly looks behind the couch at ALBERT and is shocked at what he sees. He jumps up from the couch and turns to face ALBERT.)

JAKE: What the fuck! What are you doing?

ALBERT: I'm just trying to help you deal with your problems. (He puts his hand on JAKE's shoulder.) I really think we can work through this together if we continue these meetings on a regular basis.

(JAKE brushes ALBERT's hand aside and steps back.)

JAKE: (Enraged) No! (He makes unintelligible sounds as if trying to find a better word to express his feelings.) No!

ALBERT: (Still calm) It's your decision, but I would still recommend some form of therapy.

(JAKE runs offstage, almost tripping over his feet in the process.)



SCENE 5 - Outdoor Walkway

(JAKE runs onstage quickly and then slows down as he approaches the center of the stage. A STUDENT thens walks onstage from the opposite side of the stage, not noticing JAKE. As he gets close to JAKE he removes his shirt, throws it at JAKE's feet, and continues walking as if nothing happened. JAKE transitions from anger to confusion as another STUDENT approaches from the opposite direction and deposits another article of clothing at JAKE's feet. More STUDENTS enter in the same manner, all depositing clothing on the pile at Jake's feet. The rate of students walking across the stage and dropping clothing continues to increase until all STUDENTS are walking across in minimal amounts of clothing and the pile of clothing at JAKE's feet is almost up to his knees. The flow of STUDENTS stops with only JAKE left onstage. A female STUDENT, wearing an oversized t-shirt over exotic lingerie, enters and walks straight toward JAKE. JAKE watches her as she approaches, and she stops just inches away from him. She then pulls the t-shirt over her head, revealing the lingerie. She holds the t-shirt right in front of JAKE's face and then drops it. They exchange a look for a few silent seconds, and then JAKE loses control.)

JAKE: (Crazily) What? Do you want this? (He takes off his shirt.) Is that it? Well come and get it! Let's get it on, babe!

(STUDENT slaps JAKE hard and takes a step backward.)

STUDENT: (Angrily) What the hell is wrong with you?

JAKE: (Confused) But, but, but... Your clothes...

STUDENT: (Even angrier) What about my clothes? I like to look nice, but that does not give you the right to make perverted advances. Pig!

(STUDENT walks offstage as JAKE stands still with his mouth open. JAKE then drops to his knees with his face in his hands.)



SCENE 6 - Jake's Bed

(JAKE is in a bed, lying on his side and facing the audience, wearing only boxers under the sheet. The female STUDENT from SCENE 5 is concealed under the sheet next to him, wearing the same lingerie as in the previous scene. Behind the bed and out of view of the audience are WILLIAMS and ANDREWS, wearing their underwear from their respective scenes. JAKE sits up quickly as if waking up from a nightmare.)

JAKE: (Breathing heavily) Thank God, it was all a dream.

(STUDENT sits up and puts her arm around JAKE.)

STUDENT: (Softly) What is it dear?

(JAKE screams when he sees the STUDENT in bed with him, and she shrinks back at the scream. WILLIAMS then stands up.)

WILLIAMS: What's going on?

(JAKE screams again, but not as loud as before. ANDREWS then gets up, visibly irritated by the noise.)

ANDREWS: Can you please keep it down, some of us are trying to sleep.

(JAKE screams yet again, but cuts it short as BILL walks onstage wearing only his underwear.)

BILL: What's your problem, dude?

(JAKE sits still looking around the room at all the scantily clad people in disbelief. ALBERT then enters wearing a bra and panties.)

ALBERT: (Thoughtfully) I think I may have found the source of your problem.

(JAKE screams louder than before, and the scream echoes as the lights dim.)


Back to Stuff I've Written
Created and maintained by Matthew M. Lug (Contact Matthew M. Lug)