RE: OT: Tonight's Enterprise, and nipples...

Was I the only one a bit annoyed that the Enterprise "discovered" the Holodeck technology?

Nope, I thought that was a bad move too. The main thing this show had going for it was a lack of the overused gimmicks from previous Star Trek shows. After three episodes, we've already seen time traveling shapeshifting bad guys and a stealth ship with a holodeck, not to mention a lack of any real serious medical problems ("It looks like he's going to die and the others have gone insane, wait, no, he'll make a full recovery and everyone will live happily ever after."). And yes, every episode will have to contain a reference to some bit of technology from other Star Trek shows, because the people in charge think Star Trek is all about high-tech gadgets and females in bodysuits.

What you will eventually find out is that this Enterprise ends up being far more advanced than its future counterparts, but Starfleet keeps all of this technology secret to keep it from falling into the wrong hands, releasing it slowly over the following centuries. In fact, they will even somehow manage to kill a Q, starting a chain of events that leads to the Q interactions in TNG.

Captain Archer will explore the entire galaxy, with the help of the transwarp drive he found in a box of Galactic Jacks in a strip club on the planet of the Nippleoneans. The constant intervention of Archer and his crew in the matters of other cultures will form the basis for the Prime Directive, and will also lead to the impression in the Delta quadrant of humans as "galactic policemen," which will cause trouble for Voyager when it takes a wrong turn and winds up on the other side of the galaxy.

On his way out of the Delta quadrant, Archer discards an obsolete (only 28th century equivalent) computer intelligence system, which merges with humanoid life forms on a nearby ship, operated by the unfortunately named Benevolence Order of Righteous Generosity, a religious cult with the sole purpose of adding members in the pursuit of perfection.

Due to its fancy new temporal displacement drive (a gift from the Lactateans on the planet of the two full, round moons), Enterprise returns to Earth well before it left and accidentally crashes when someone turns off the Infinite Improbability Drive, supposedly because it was interfering with the reception of a televised cricket match. In order to escape the Earth and return to their own time, the Enterprise crew must leave behind Enterprise's original warp engine, which they were planning on donating to a museum upon their return. This engine is later discovered by Zefram Cochrane, who eventually used it to construct a crude spacecraft, after realizing that it didn't work too well as a coffee maker.

After a few random explosions and such, Enterprise returns home, where the ship is immediately impounded due to the $573,892,761,393,000,000.44 in fines for illegal parking, speeding, and violations of the laws of physics that Starfleet was charged due to Enterprise's activities. The crew will then be sentenced to spend the rest of eternity (thanks to the immortality they gained when they mated with the women of a planet without men, saving their species from extinction) working on a farm, where a young boy hears many stories of galactic adventure and inter-species romance...

I'd pay to see that one as a movie. But will it answer why Commander Data has nipples?

That's an easy one. You see, the Nippleoneans communicate through their nipples. One is for transmit, the other is for receive, so when two of them press their chests together, it creates a small network. Information describing this was stored on a data module discovered by Data's creator, who used it to solve the problem of where to put Data's hard-wired network connection, much like how Data's other functions are designed to mimic human characteristics. This data module had its own long, strange journey from Starfleet's maximum security archives 500 feet below Mt. Rushmore to Data's creator, but that's a story for another day.

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