Predictions for the new school year

by Matthew M. Lug - Newspeak Staff

It's that time of year again, the time we all put aside the sanity of summer and return to beating ourselves senseless with textbooks because that damn problem just isn't working out like it's supposed to. And what the hell was the professor smoking when he wrote these class notes? Anyway, here are some predictions for the new school year. Please note: these events may not actually happen, all information is pure speculation.

Boynton Excavation Surprise

When digging out new space under Boynton for dungeon cells, er, workstudy offices, construction workers will find a surprisingly large deposit of uranium. Administrators will advise the WPI community that it will be quite some time before WPI will be able to benefit from this discovery. Skeptics will investigate a link between the uranium deposit and strange administrative behavior.

Tuition Increase

In a surprise move this fall, advance notice of the annual tuition increase will be given to allow students and their families to prepare. It will be announced that one year of education at WPI is the equivalent of the Pentagon's "How to use your $15,000 hammer" course, and that the increase will bring the cost of tuition close to that course's estimated cost of $3,200,000 per person. Students who are unable or unwilling to pay the new tuition will be put to work in the new Boynton Uranium Mine (BUM).

Boynton Overthrown

In response to the increased tuition and poor working conditions of the newly expanded Boynton Uranium Processing Facility (BUPF), a mob of angry and well-armed students will march on Boynton and demand the unconditional surrender of all WPI administrators. Administrative sympathizers will be dealt with in public beatings on the quad in what will become a massive reign of terror against WPI authorities. The leader of this movement, a masked individual only known at "That Masked Guy" (TMG), will defend his actions by citing instances of student abuse throughout WPI's history.

Christmas Cancellation

Christmas will not come this year. Hanukkah and Kwanzaa will still be held on a probationary basis. All Santa Claus impersonators will be handed over to TMG to serve in the Boynton Uranium Processing Facility and Correctional Institution (BUPFCI).

Newspeak Fights Back

Newspeak has faced harsh criticism in the past, but an advance in newspaper technology will put an end to that. Newspeak will employ a Self-Defending Format (SDF) that allows the actual words being criticized to jump off the page and attack the offending reader. When asked for comment, TMG will applaud the new format, saying "Now I don't even have to make an effort to beat the crap out of those whiny snot-nosed computer-addicted momma's boys who don't approve of my methods. I can just have Newspeak print an article about it, and let the paper do the rest." Publications worldwide will begin using this new format, along with another technology that allows the newspaper or magazine itself to force random individuals to purchase it.

Intelligent Network

Not to be outdone by Newspeak, the CCC will announce that the WPI network has achieved full sentience. Though this will be seen as one of the greatest technological advances of all time, the network's personality will be described mainly as "touchy." Some will even go as far as to call it "a real bitch." Most users will notice little or no difference in network performance.

End of the Revolution

After facing criticism from students, parents, faculty, staff, law enforcement personnel, politicians, and well-known international terrorists, TMG will announce that his reign of terror is over. When asked why he ended such a successful but misunderstood cause, TMG will only say "The women, damn it, the women. All this fighting scared off the few that were here to begin with, and it just isn't worth it anymore." When asked for comment, "the women" will say that TMG could have just asked them out, instead of doing the whole bloody revolution thing. TMG will last be seen entering the Boynton Uranium Processing Facility, Correctional Institution, Sandwich Shop, Amusement Park, Underground Nuclear Weapons Testing Facility, and Retirement Community (BUPFCISSAPUNWTFRC).

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